However, it occurred to me the other day, during our 'play date' that the same thing is true for the person who is in the dominant role.
By assuming our roles, it gives me permission to treat her like a slut, a whore, or as she likes to be called, "my dirty fuck hole."
In our day-to-day lives, I'd never, ever treat her like that, nor even think of her that way. Actually, even as I write this, the idea is a bit horrifying. But, in the bedroom, I give her what she needs by ordering her to strip, pleasure me, assume submissive positions, crawl, be tied, spanked, whatever.
Our bondage play and such really started at her suggestion, although being a happy kinkster I've been delighted to accommodate her. But last week as I viewed her on the floor, completely naked on her knees, her forehead touching the floor, her hands out ahead of her, her ass in the air, and her legs spread a bit to give me easy access to her pussy and ass, I realized that the roleplay was giving me permission to actually ask for what I wanted. Which was this:.Complete and absolute carnality without regard to what she might think of me for asking (no, telling) her to do, or even possibly her own desires and do/don't list. To some degree, this is objectifying this woman that I love, the mother of my children, by treating her as a vessel for my own sexual desires.
That I'm actually fulfilling her needs has always made our play okay with me intellectually on one level. But it's only been recently, and I mean, like, in the last 6 months, that I got through some other mental barrier of my own to reach a new level, where I no longer play a role trying to cater to what I've been able to figure out around her sexual fantasies and desires, and asking only for what I think she, my wife, will let me do or wants me to do. Now, by adding that element of objectification, I'm separating the person that is my wife from my own desires. I've stopped (well, started to stop) worrying about her rejecting what I want and me as a person for asking for it, and am increasingly ordering her more firmly to do what I want her to do. This may seem like a small difference, especially if you're a novice around D/s, but believe me, it's not.
The result has been more satisfying roleplay sessions for both of us. It's become more real, we're both more invested in the scenes, and even if the scenes still aren't terribly extreme, they're more sincere. That in turn means more tension, build-up, release. And if the actual orgasms aren't quantifiably stronger than the one's we've had for the other 10+ years of our marriage, the cathartic release on other levels is. There are parts of both of us that are getting more nourished I think. Actually, being able to order my wife to get on her knees, reach behind her, and spread her asshole wide for me while I watch is a powerful thing that I was not comfortable doing six months ago. She's not an object. But now, for a couple blissful hours each month, she is. And she's delighted to be. It rocks. I am more fulfilled as a result. And by me getting more fulfilled, she's more fulfilled as well. And that's how it should be with sexual activity of two people who care about each other, of course.
I still haven't asked her to do everything I want her to... there's still lots of things I'm afraid to ask her for. But the day (or morning) is coming when I will. And I'm looking forward to it. And so is she. And if she ever does refuse me, maybe, just maybe, we'll actually get into me actually really punishing her for the first time during one of our sessions. Which, I know, is one of her deep dark fantasies which I haven't yet been able to fulfill for her yet, either. But without roleplay, I'm not sure we'd give ourselves and each other permission to fulfill each of our respective needs.
1 comment:
Loved the blog post and the accompanying photo!
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